THE ESSAY
Esther O’Moore Donohoe has tried it all, and might just invest in a horsesh*t scented candle…
Coconut oil infused drill-bits, yoga mats made from recycled Moon Cups, the sexy bits in Bridgerton – I’ve bought and tried them all in the name of wellness. Because who amongst us doesn’t want to be well? Sure isn’t being well a lovely, passive, inoffensive, gentle thing?
[restrict]Lucky for us, there is a 4.5 trillion dollar industry to help support us on our wellness journey with infinite bits available for purchase via the link in the collective wellness bio.
So sound of them.
The only thing is, just when we’ve optimised our biohacking routine via our wearable tracking lanyard, a spokesperson from Wellness H.Q will inevitably pop up to let us all know that everything has changed and we’re now doing it wrong. What a shame. We were all so close to enlightenment.
And really, what harm is treating ourselves to some wellness merch if it means we can feel the best we’ve ever felt for up to seven minutes? I am not immune to the promise of peace and calm and have bought all manner of shite and nonsense over the years. But before you funnel some of your very hard earned cash into the well-oiled wellness biz, reflect and ask yourself, will a turmeric scented mouse mat really help you achieve inner peace or are you better off going to the chipper?
Prime Time investigates.
LEG IT
As I bent to tie my lace during a post WFH walk recently, out of nowhere, a large shadow fell across my path. I couldn’t believe what happened next. I looked up and saw an enormous pair of Lululemon leggings standing in front of me.
They then started to speak ‘We sssaw you put ussss in your online basssssket but you didn’t complete the purchasssse. Any issuessss Esssstherrrr?’ I was freaked. I thought sentient leggings were an urban legend but here they were, putting the hard sell on me. I managed to get away but it was a reminder that at this time of year, the pressure to Buy Things: Exercise Edition, is very strong. You know you’re broke after Christmas and already own 37 pairs of nearly identical lycra leg sheaths, but the ads keep popping up on your phone and before you know it, you’re living inside a kettle bell, dressed as a sports bra. ‘Yes, our socks cost €750 a pair, but how do you expect to start your ‘fitness journey’ without them you silly bean? They’re wifi enabled, infused with copper and – they’ve got pockets! They’re Sockets bbz and you basically need them.’
So the next time a giant pair of pricey leggings accosts you on your trot, look them firmly in the crotch and say ‘Thank you for your service. But the tracksuit bottoms I’ve been wearing every day since March 2020 with the arse hanging out of them are fine. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get milk.’
Note 1: please no one steal my Sockets idea.
MISSIONS? IMPOSSIBLE!
January is peak mission and challenge month in the Marvel Wellness Universe. ‘`We’re on a mission to transform your gut and detox your butt with our biggest challenge EVER!’ screams someone on their Insta Story as they propel themselves out of a 6ft pot of probiotic yoghurt .“Get involved by tagging every single person you’ve ever met, signing over the deeds of your bike and buying our BPA free water tankard so big, it comes with its own Aqua Pram™ for hydration on the go (€63).’ Not even Tom Cruise could keep up with the mission schedule on my timeline right now. How about instead, we all just take a day off please? And speaking of days off, Micheal Martin if you’re reading this, which I expect you are, GIVE US THAT EXTRA BANK HOLIDAY ASAP PLEASE. You have 30 days.
Note 2: Ditto re. the Aqua Pram. I think I could be onto something.
‘DO YOU SPEAK WELLNESS?’/THE WELLNESS DRINKING GAME
The one language you can’t learn on the Duolingo app is Wellness but I bet you’re way more fluent than you think. To those new to the ‘wellness space’ (take a shot) just know that Wellness Inc is desperate for you to ‘give yourself permission’ (shot) to ‘take up space’ (another one) and also to ‘honour’ things (triple shot with a side of ancient grains please). It also wants to communicate to you that bliss and restoration (shot and shot) can all be self-generated with just a few enriching practises (triple shot).
A large part of the wellness industry shtick is creating its own vernacular to elevate and convolute everyday activities. Once it’s done that, it can then sell you corresponding accessories to go with a given experience. Going to the woods for some time out? No. We all know that’s forest bathing (which sounds lovely tbh) and in order to optimise your time with the trees, you’ll need to invest in Forest Goggles™ in order to protect your eyes. I mean, if a heavy leaf falls at speed and hits you in the eye, it could be dangerous.
THIS CANDLE SMELLS LIKE HORSESH*T
I couldn’t write about wellness without including the grand high queen of the jade roller scene – Gwyneth ‘GOOP’ Paltrow. What started as a newsletter in 2008 is now valued at more than €250 million dollars. The first item that is presented on the GOOP website when you click on the Wellness heading is the G.Tox 7-Day Reset Kit. Let me tell you what you get *clears throat, tosses hair, checks nails*.
7 pouches of ‘reset cereal’
7 pouches of ‘reset protein powder’
A dry body brush
7 sachets (SACHETS!) of ‘detoxifying superpowder’
7 sachets (SACHETS!) of ‘gut microbiome superpowder’
And how much for this neatly packaged kit? ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY FIVE DOLLARS (approx. €172). But wait, there’s more. After the link, three images below invite you ‘to shop’ ‘reset supporting players’ which are:
A HigherDose Infrared Mat – $995
A BOKA Rasana Tongue Cleaner – $9
An OPTP LoRox Aligned Foam Roller – $54
And if you have a spare $1253, go for it mate. Sure why not? My Reset Kit however is a lot more economical and I invite you all ‘to shop’ it wherever you please:
1 box Crunchy Nut Cornflakes – €4.65 (100g)
Supporting players – hot water bottle, duvet and subscription to a family member’s Netflix account – priceless.
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